Mother-Son Collaboration

Well, Duane and I have decided to collaborate on a project. He is building a web page where any adoptee can have their story posted and I am building one for birth mothers stories. Then we are going to work on a forum for adoptees and birth parents in reunion. It should prove interesting.

I feel guilty....

I feel guilty for not keeping up with this blog but so much has been happening. a few days after my last post, Duane's half brother Patrick's girlfriend completed suicide by hanging. I have had so much on my mind....I told Duane about it and he listened and even talked to his brother. oh well....

It's been awhile

I know it's been awhile since I last wrote in this but illness has forced me to take a break. I have had lots more conversations with my son since the first one. One time he called me up in the middle of the night-drunker than a skunk and needing to talk. So I stayed up and listened to him till my cell phone died.

The next day he called me and asked me if he had called the previous night because he had no idea if he had. I started laughing and answered him. When he went to apologize, I told him not to, it was the least I could do. That was when he said "I love You Mom" for the first time.

The Phone Call

After I got the pictures of my son and grandson(yes I have a four year old grandson!)I knew he was my son. Duane is the image of one of my older brothers. In the first call, he asked me if his father had refused to sign the papers right away-that is when it hit me- this is my kid!

That night he called. He asked me all kinds of questions, but the first thing was why it took me so long to look for him. I explained it as best as I could. We both tried to keep cool but we were both in tears and talking at the same time. Duane had thought I was dead all these years and I-well-I didn't know if he was alive or not.

The First E-mails

Before I continue about the phone call that had both of us laughing and crying and talking at the same time-it lasted till the battery on my cell phone died- I want to put in the first few e-mails between my son and I:

Dear Duane,
I am sitting here trying to write this, and wipe tears away at the same time...talk about multi-tasking. This is so surreal. I keep asking myself if I am going to wake up and find that this was all a dream. I always wondered what kind of a man you had become. And wondered what I would do if the day came when I finally found you. I do want you to know and to assure your parents that I know I can never take the place of the parents who raised you and are the only ones you have ever known. I will always be eternally grateful to them for giving you a home and raising you right. Your mother was right, you do have a right to know if that is what you want. Well I am glad that it is what you chose to do.

Like I told you, I was 17 years old when I gave you up for adoption and 16 when I got pregnant. I was a baby having a baby and I needed to get my life together before I could take care of another life. It was a tough decision for a 17 year old girl to make. I was a ward of the state and living in a foster home at the time. I wasn't about to marry your birth father who was a year younger than me and a total jerk and I couldn't take care of you myself without even a high school diploma and no real skills except waitressing.

You asked me why it took me so long. Well, Fear has alot to do with it. I was afraid of what you would do if I tried to find you earlier. I wanted to wait until you were an adult and could maybe handle it better(not like I am dealing with it any too well LOL) I also had no clue what I would say or do if we found each other. But I know in my heart that we have found each other and I hope that it hasn't turned your world upside down too much. We just need to take things one day at a time and get to know each other. I know that it must be hard for you right now learning about a whole other family that you have here in Oregon. But I will do everything I can to help you through it. I would say "Trust Me" but that too will come in time.

I am trying real hard to come up with some pearls of wisdom but they escape me at the moment. I am still trying to get over the shock of finding you.

Well, kiddo, I better get to sleep or at least try to. I am sending a picture taken of me a few years ago and one of Patrick at his high school graduation.
Take Care Of You,
Rose
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I just wanted to let you know that there is now doubt in my mind that the information is genuine. Here is a picture of me. Sorry that it is not the greatest, but I hope that you will possible see some similarities. Hope to hear from you soon.

Love,
Duane
A.K.A Jeremy Steven Trejo
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Dear Duane,
There is so much to say. I guess the most important thing is that I never regretted having you. A part of me did regret giving you up, but I knew deep down that it was for the best. And until now, there has always been a small empty place inside. That void is filled now.

I wanted to write you a letter when you were born, hoping that your parents would give it to you when the time came. But the caseworker told me and my foster mom that there was no guarantee that you would ever get it, so I didn't.

I wanted to tell you then why I did what I did, and ask that you please not hate me. I am so glad that you understand about all that. You never would have become the man you are today if I had tried to raise you myself.

We all have our demons to battle, our dragons to slay...I have had my fair share of them more times than I care to count, but we muddle through, safe in the knowledge that there are people out there that truly love us. Not only were you loved by your parents but you have always held a special place in my heart, even when I had no bloody idea where you were or how you were doing.

Patrick got home from work a bit ago and I showed your picture to him. At first he said, "That's Uncle Bill" before I told him who it was. And he had me pull up pics of all three of you. His reaction was and I quote "Damn Mom, looks like I got a big brother finally!" He even commented about how much the three of you looked alike. Looks like you got a kid brother now too. :)

Well that is about it for this time....
Take Care of You and remember I love ya kiddo,
Rose

Reunion

In July of 2006, I recieved an e-mail. It read "Just wondering if you were still in search of your son!? And are you still residing in Portland, OR?"

I answered of course I was and yes I still lived in Portland OR. The next day I got a phone call. Our conversation went like this:
"Is this Inez?"
"Yes, it is."
"Did you have a son born on June 26 1974 at Chicago Lying In Hospital?"
"Yes I did."
"Well my name is Duane and I think I am that son"

I thought to myself"Is this some kind of cruel joke?????" Here I had been searching for 4 long years and all of a sudden I get this call from a stranger telling me he might be my son-what was this and was I dreaming or hallucinating???????

We Move to Oregon

In 2003, we moved to Oregon with Michael's youngest son Dustin. Patrick stayed in Washington State with his dad and step-mother so he could finish school. I was still searching. A few young men called but each time, something wasn't right. So I continued my search.

I was busy visiting Patrick twice a month, paying for it with my disability check. I had been getting sick a lot and had to slow down on my searching.

Then I was in a research study using behavior modification to control seizures....it worked!

Beginning The Search-2002

I met my life partner Michael in July 2002. He has two teenage sons who call me Mom. Well I got to wondering about my first born, my Jeremy. So Michael who had lost a child to adoption himself encouraged me to start searching for my son.

I joined groups, looked up names and e-mails when I was sent names, eventually posted a profile on a search site called Adoption.com as a birthmother in search of her son. I checked the forums every day and posted at least once a month, but I had no luck.

By this time, I had told Patrick and Michael's two boys, Sean and Dustin that I was actively looking for my first son. I had also quit all the drinking and drugs. Michael and the boys supported that decision as well.

1988 Patrick

Patrick was born premature by 3 weeks. But he became the lifeline I needed. I was still in a spiral but having him made me whole again. I was scared when the nurse took him to the nursery. I even asked her if I was gonna see him again. She asked me why and I told her something I had hidden since that June day in 1974. I told her about my first son.

I still went downhill eventually becoming addicted to cocaine and drinking heavy again after he was born. (As of this writing I am now 16 years clean and 8 years sober) I did get help this time, but I still had to take meds for my seizures, after numerous suicide attempts I signed a "No Harm Contract" and have not even thought about killing myself.

Rhett got custody of Patrick when I was in rehab but he let me be a large part of our son's life, as long as I stayed clean and sober. And I bonded with the son I raised. I started calling him my "Shining Star" and my hero because in all honesty he is. He was five when he would hold my head during a seizure and hug me when I would think about his brother and start crying.

When Pat was old enough to understand, I told him about his older brother and how someday, I might look for him.

The Spiral

I never really got over what happened. I went deeper into the depths of depression, drug and alcohol abuse and trying to find someone who could take away the pain. I did get through college and my GED but I did it as if I were a zombie. It was just something to do to keep the memories in the back of my mind. I moved from place to place, not staying in any one spot for too long and each relationship I was in was worse than the one before.

I moved from Illinois to Washington State in an effort to start over but that didn't help much until 1987 when my life would change drastically.

I had two failed marriages under my belt and more bad relationships than I care to count when I met someone who I thought would change my life and in a lot of ways, he did. Rhett became my best friend and the father of another son. In 1986, I almost died from an ectopic pregnancy and was told I had a less than 40 percent chance of ever concieving again. Then in 1987, I found out I was 7 weeks pregnant with a boy. I gave birth to Patrick Gregory on April 3, 1988. Patrick was and still is everything to me.