A Birthmother's Journey

This is the journey that begins when the author is a teenager and continues during the reunion with the son she gave up 32 years ago.

Location: Portland, Oregon, United States

I am the natural mother of two sons one, age 32 and the other age 18 and stepmother of two sons.I had to start this after my oldest son found me in July of this year after 32 years. It is one heck of a rollercoaster ride but we plan on meeting face to face in November.

Friday, September 29, 2006

The First E-mails

Before I continue about the phone call that had both of us laughing and crying and talking at the same time-it lasted till the battery on my cell phone died- I want to put in the first few e-mails between my son and I:

Dear Duane,
I am sitting here trying to write this, and wipe tears away at the same time...talk about multi-tasking. This is so surreal. I keep asking myself if I am going to wake up and find that this was all a dream. I always wondered what kind of a man you had become. And wondered what I would do if the day came when I finally found you. I do want you to know and to assure your parents that I know I can never take the place of the parents who raised you and are the only ones you have ever known. I will always be eternally grateful to them for giving you a home and raising you right. Your mother was right, you do have a right to know if that is what you want. Well I am glad that it is what you chose to do.

Like I told you, I was 17 years old when I gave you up for adoption and 16 when I got pregnant. I was a baby having a baby and I needed to get my life together before I could take care of another life. It was a tough decision for a 17 year old girl to make. I was a ward of the state and living in a foster home at the time. I wasn't about to marry your birth father who was a year younger than me and a total jerk and I couldn't take care of you myself without even a high school diploma and no real skills except waitressing.

You asked me why it took me so long. Well, Fear has alot to do with it. I was afraid of what you would do if I tried to find you earlier. I wanted to wait until you were an adult and could maybe handle it better(not like I am dealing with it any too well LOL) I also had no clue what I would say or do if we found each other. But I know in my heart that we have found each other and I hope that it hasn't turned your world upside down too much. We just need to take things one day at a time and get to know each other. I know that it must be hard for you right now learning about a whole other family that you have here in Oregon. But I will do everything I can to help you through it. I would say "Trust Me" but that too will come in time.

I am trying real hard to come up with some pearls of wisdom but they escape me at the moment. I am still trying to get over the shock of finding you.

Well, kiddo, I better get to sleep or at least try to. I am sending a picture taken of me a few years ago and one of Patrick at his high school graduation.
Take Care Of You,
I just wanted to let you know that there is now doubt in my mind that the information is genuine. Here is a picture of me. Sorry that it is not the greatest, but I hope that you will possible see some similarities. Hope to hear from you soon.

A.K.A Jeremy Steven Trejo
Dear Duane,
There is so much to say. I guess the most important thing is that I never regretted having you. A part of me did regret giving you up, but I knew deep down that it was for the best. And until now, there has always been a small empty place inside. That void is filled now.

I wanted to write you a letter when you were born, hoping that your parents would give it to you when the time came. But the caseworker told me and my foster mom that there was no guarantee that you would ever get it, so I didn't.

I wanted to tell you then why I did what I did, and ask that you please not hate me. I am so glad that you understand about all that. You never would have become the man you are today if I had tried to raise you myself.

We all have our demons to battle, our dragons to slay...I have had my fair share of them more times than I care to count, but we muddle through, safe in the knowledge that there are people out there that truly love us. Not only were you loved by your parents but you have always held a special place in my heart, even when I had no bloody idea where you were or how you were doing.

Patrick got home from work a bit ago and I showed your picture to him. At first he said, "That's Uncle Bill" before I told him who it was. And he had me pull up pics of all three of you. His reaction was and I quote "Damn Mom, looks like I got a big brother finally!" He even commented about how much the three of you looked alike. Looks like you got a kid brother now too. :)

Well that is about it for this time....
Take Care of You and remember I love ya kiddo,


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